Quick update!

I just want to let everyone know I’ve been working on a couple of posts, but we are having major connectivity issues. Our ISP will be here Thursday morning to replace out lines in our house and bring us a new boxy thing and we will have business speed in our house! And I’m saving us $30 a month and our landline is a better plan too! Now if only I can figure out how to get my husband to actually do what I ask him to when I ask him…I guess I used up all my wishes! 😉

Most likely a one time only…

I would normally not ever post anything about politics or current events, as these are hot topic things and everyone has their own take on things. And I’m not willing to argue with people because they can’t understand how someone could think differently than they do. Don’t even get me started on how in this day and age it’s no longer a discussion, but an argument if two people are talking about a subject with many underlying issues.

But anyways, pardon the rambling ahead of time. It’s after 3:30 am and I still haven’t slept yet.

I just want to say how disgusted I am with how people have been behaving and things being said this whole past week in regards to the Boston Marathon bombing. Skipping the day of the bombing itself. All week I kept seeing meme pictures on Facebook that people were saying “have you seen this suspect” “one photo with bag, one without, looks similar” and one photo an either Middle Eastern, Indian, or tan Greek looking man was in one picture standing sort of next to the “suspect” and in the next photo the “suspect” had his head turned looking towards the other guy. People were saying all sorts of nasty and crazy thing about that *insert racial slur here* has to be involved cause the “suspect” was clearly with him. Except that everyone standing behind the “suspect” also had their heads turned looking in the same direction! 

There were so many “suspect” photos that were being passed around. Do people not stop and think for one damn second what they are doing?!?!? There were no news reports of suspect photos (at that time), no police statements asking for “any information on this person of interest”. That stuff could really ruin someones life! Down the line, they might be going in for a job interview or something and they might not get hired because the person remembers something about them being a suspect. And it happens! Eric Randolf is a prime example. Exoneries from the Innocence Project are another. Those kinds of things are damaging!

Then Thursday April 19, people started carrying on about how Boston was under Martial Law and there were un lawful searches taking place blah blah blah, public transport was shut down. IT WASN’T MARTIAL LAW!!!!!!!!!!! NOT EVEN CLOSE!!!!!!!!! It was police action in the hunt of a suspected heavily armed suspect. Martial law is when a town or area is under complete control of at minimum the National Guard. When they are suppressing the rights of all, searching for all. That was so clearly not the case today! Yes, there were military members there assisting, there were local, state and federal police involved. Yes, they barricaded off I believe a two block radius after evacuating everyone and no one was allowed back in. Yes, they were conducting door to door searches in the town. Yes, they were armed (don’t know of any police officer or agent that isn’t in the US). Yes they would make entry into houses that there were no responses to the knocks on the door without a warrant. Yes, they told people to stay inside.

But, the town was not under military rule, clearly because it was said several times that POTUS could not give an order for any action, he wasn’t in the chain of command, only make suggestions. If you have a suspect that is trying to run, that there has already been a stand off and fire fight with, with injury and death on both sides, yeah shutting down transport to try to prevent them a way to escape is normal. The completely barricaded and evacuated couple of blocks was where the suspects house was, so yeah, considering they had weapons and are suspected of making bombs and threw a bomb at LEOs trying to escape, you would get everyone out and seal off the area. Telling people to evacuate or stay inside and lock your doors, well that’s just a smart thing to do when a suspected terrorist and murderer is on the loose and hiding out. But people were taking out the trash, going to the store and shopping, milling about outside around the officers with guns, standing on roof balconies taking videos of what was going on. That doesn’t sound like anyone was being forced to do anything. Door to door searches, can you tell me a better way to look for a suspect you are hunting for? Warrant-less searches on houses with no answer…this is a bit trickier. It’s actually legal, under certain conditions. There has to be immanent threat to life of self or others, probable cause to believe a search is needed, and finally good faith that given there had been enough time under normal circumstances a judge would have issued a search warrant. Immanent threat? Check, he was making statements about killing himself and others. Probable cause? Check, phone records and such indicate recent contact with a resident of the house. No time to get a warrant, one would have been given? Check again, no time given the situation. He could escape while they waited for the warrant. And yes a judge most likely would have said to search the house and see if he was hiding. As for the officers being armed, like I said, I can’t think of any that aren’t. They weren’t pointing guns at every door that opened. They were actually needed for their own protection, as the suspect was already involved in the death of two police officers and tried to kill many more. If I lived in that town, I would have had my guns sitting out next to me, chambered and ready to go in case he decided he would try to hide in my house! And people were having an issue with the door to door searches because of no cause. Cause was the suspect was on the run, in the neighborhood. They were only looking for a single person, not entering houses with the intent to arrest many. Just one!

And then we come to the issue of religion. At first this morning, reports were of the father being Muslim, unsure of the children. Then it came down to they were devout Muslims. The one son did go to Russia for six months. Officials have said all day today that there is no evidence pointing to this being related to religion or foreign groups. There isn’t any evidence of this being a jihad act. The older brother COULD have gone to a training camp while he was in Russia. His father is also in Russia for what they said were medical treatments, and I’m sure they have family there as well. I know of lots of people that go over seas for long periods of time to visit their mother country. They have no idea what he did while he was in Russia. Sure the kid read some al Quda Internet thing, it doesn’t mean he believe it or they are behind it. I read all sorts of different stuff online, doesn’t mean I’m going to do it or I believe in it. We just don’t know yet, only time will tell as more facts come to life. At this point, they just happen to be Muslim. Most Muslims are actually more peaceful than Christians! So lets not lay blame where it doesn’t belong at this point. And remember that in the American Justice System, you are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law!

I know how things look right at this moment, but law enforcement stated several times they were with holding lots of information. At this point, we don’t know the reason behind why they would have bombed the marathon. We don’t know why they robbed the gas station. We don’t know why they were trying to run from the police (but if I’d just robbed a gas station and knew I was top suspect of a terrorist act, I’d probably run too). We just don’t know at this point. And also, many of the people in Watertown had no problem with the police presense, being asked to leave or stay indoors, or allowing a search of their house. Sure they were scared, but I’m sure they felt safer because of it.

I know that if something like that were to happen in the area I live in, I would have no problem with being on lockdown or having my house searched. The police were doing their job. And a damn good job they did!

Hats off to local, state, and federal LEO’s, fire and ems, and the military that took part in the lockdown today. And my greatest thanks for those that were injuried or paid the ultimate price trying to provide safety and justice to the citizens of Boston! Well done ladies and gentleman! Thank you for risking your lives!

The World of the Living

Well, today started like most days. I didn’t want to do anything, except roll over and go back to sleep. I’ve been struggling lately. My birthday is this weekend, Easter was this past Sunday. My first for both with no contact with my family. I thought I’d made it through the holiday season. This caught me off guard. I’d actually considered having my husband take me to the psych hospital. I didn’t know if I could do it. But I did!

I’m working on living. That may seem dumb, or a given, but look at my title; “Rebuilding A Life Worth Living”. So, I’m working on it.

This morning, I took a shower, got dressed (not in sweats!) I procrastinated quite a bit. I have on full make up, and pulled my hair up in a neat bun. I got in my car to run to the store for dish soap and such. Except I just kept going! I drove through a little town called Olivet, and kept headed south on the back country road. I ended up in a town called Marshall. Now, I have a hate relationship with this town. The hospital here is where I had my first in patient psych stay, NOT voluntary! Two and a half weeks in the Spring in a beautiful old town that I could only see through a window with wire reenforcements in it. When I got out, I never wanted to return. Yeah, I forgot this was the same town! So I’ve been exploring.

I started off at The American Magic Museum, hit up a couple of antique shops (always looking for tea cups that strike me), and now I’m resting at The Broadway Grille. I ordered a simple cheese burger. Not overly priced. Tasted really good. The servers are friendly and quick! I figured I’d take the time to write out this post while I eat (on my phone, mind you!) But I suppose I should pay my tab and get moving on, even though there is no pressure for me to leave. There’s one more antique shop I wanted to look through, then head back. But I still need to stop and pick up the essentials.

I’m just glad my husband didn’t get too freaked out when he asked where I was going and my response was, “Marshall, I think”

Lonely Days, Lonely Nights

Yes, I’m in my 30’s and yes I willingly like The BeeGee’s.

Anywho! I still haven’t been to sleep since yesterday morning when I woke up at 7:15 AM. That was minutes over 24 hours ago.

My inability to sleep had nothing to do with hypo-mania, depression, or anxiety. It had to do with pain. Legit pain, not this bullshit fakie fibro pain. (And don’t you start jumping down my throat here! I know fibro pain is real pain! I just call it fakie pain because it isn’t from injury or anything. So therefore it’s fakie pain!)

And to think, my new dentist was telling me he was going to send me home with Motrin! Please! I eat that shit like Flintstones Vitamins! Or Twizzlers, or Whoppers….mmmmm yummy! Yeah, he was going to send a patient with fibromyalgia, who is under the care of three neurologists, one of whom is at pain management, home with Motrin after pulling out a tooth. Did I tell you guys about that?

If not, long story short; went in for fillings, he decided he was going to pull a tooth because it had a cyst next to the root that was trying to drain out a hole drilled in my jaw by my oral surgeon this past summer. He tried to just numb me right around the tooth. He started to push and pull on it to break it free, yeah I wasn’t numb, felt it all. So he did a nerve block. He came back and I told him only my cheek was numb, still had full feeling in my tongue and my back gums. He said I was more than numb, so he pushed pulled, tore the ligaments holding it in place, then pulled it out. I WASN’T NUMB AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!


The only part of me touching the chair was the back of my head, my hands, and my feet pushing up. I broke one of the arms on the dental chair. AND HE WAS STILL GOING TO SEND ME HOME WITH MOTRIN!

Thank God my hygienist wasn’t a complete idiot! She asked what my pain rescue protocol is. I informed her I only have a non narcotic plan for migraines at this point. She called my pain management doctor. They sent me home with a prescription for some serious heavy duty narcotics.

Well, I’m not really in pain pain, but I’m still very uncomfortable. And my GERD is being God awful as well. I can’t even lean back with out it making it feel like I have lava trying to come up my esophagus. So, I didn’t sleep.

I hope I can here shortly, because I’m exhausted! But first I have to run to the store and get some cans of cat food and set the live trap in the crawl space under my office/bedroom. I have a couple of cats in heat chilling under there!

Everyone have a safe and wonderful Thursday! Tomorrow is FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!

I have the Health Insurance Blues…

So back in October my secondary insurance carrier dropped me, while I was in the hospital. I was discharged from a local hospital the day my coverage ended, my SECONDARY insurance, not primary. Both cover inpatient hospital everything.

It took me 3 months of fighting with them to get my secondary health insurance reinstated. That took effect February 1, 2013, although I didn’t actually receive a notice that my insurance was reinstated until around the third week of the month. The following week I received 4 more envelops talking about my health insurance, how they came to their decision and all that stuff. Each envelope stated, “please complete and return enclosed forms, if any”. There were NO forms in any of the four envelops they sent me.

So I opened my mail today from my insurance provider. It states that my coverage has been denied as of April 1, 2013 through indefinite. Reason: I didn’t provide the information requested.

Really? What information did they request when I had no forms to fill out?!?! So now tomorrow I will have to call the person that handles my claims to figure out what information they need. I’m sure I will have to argue with her. She will swear up and down she sent me forms. I will, if needed, drive the 45 minutes to her office to show her exactly what she mailed me.

I HATE HEALTH INSURANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why can’t doctors and stuff just charge reasonable rates, and charge the same thing to every patient. Why can’t everyone just be provided with health insurance. Where you can’t be denied, or dropped. This is getting out of control!

I received a bill from my last visit to the emergency room. They charged my insurance $300 for a syringe. I get them from the pharmacy to give myself shots of my non narcotic pain medicine for migraines. They charged me $0.25 each. No insurance. Same brand, same size. Oh, in the ER they didn’t use a needle because they used the lure lock to put it right into my IV line. The ones I get from the pharmacy have the needle. So I got a way better deal! I got more for an insanely lower price!

I’m so sick of insurance. Just make it work America!

Spring is in the air!

So there are a few piles of snow still on the ground, mostly where the plows have pushed them. It is actually rather nice outside. I sat outside for a few minutes shortly after I woke up this morning. I would love to open a window or two, except they aren’t easy to access, and they tend to be difficult to open.

My husband texted me to ask how I was feeling today. I mistyped that I “feel like oj” to which he asked if I felt like killing people. Haha! I told him I felt more like a retired washed up pro football player! I’m not actually in pain pain, but that’s because most everything feels numb.

I feel still and my head feels annoyed (huge improvement over migraines!), and I feel stiff. My hands and feet feel like blocks of ice. Although I’ve had that most of my life. “Cold hands, warm heart” To which I’m sure my dog and husband would completely disagree and say I’m rather sadistic when I put my ice cold feet and hands on them in the middle of the night!

My big project I want to get done today…I want to get the ornaments off the Christmas tree. Yes, it’s still up. But I’m the only one that does more than the bare minimum around the house. So far, I’ve looked at it…that’s exhausting. Trying to figure out and plan the best, fastest and least physically draining way to get all the ornaments off. It took me three days to decorate the stupid thing. I wanted a nice Christmas, that turned in to Valentines Day, soon to be St. Patrick’s Day, and Easter….an Easter tree! I could swing it, most of the ornaments are religious anyways!

Well, I’m off to kill the barking dog (not really) although I wish I could just throw something at him so he would stop!

I HATE MONDAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Chance For Hope

Anyone that struggles with a daily battle against Mental Illness or Chronic Pain knows how easy it is to lose sight of the long run. Giving up hope is one of the easiest things you can do. You get stuck in your head with all the negativity. I will be the first one to admit, this happens a lot to me. Which is totally uncharacteristic of me.

I’ve gotten through so much hard stuff in life because I have had hope. So now, for me to lose sight of that hope, is a bitter pill to swallow. I’ve been taking some rather bitter pills lately.

But the other night, as I was laying in bed, I let my mind wander, as I so often do. And it hit me: I keep forgetting the little things! So these are some of my favorite things about stuff I don’t like.

During a heavy winter snowfall, in the middle of the night, curling up with a mug of tea and warm blankets. Just sitting in silence watching the heavy snowflakes blanket everything. And even thought it is the middle of the night, there still seems to be a glow from the snow. And IF I’m willing to brave the cold and go stand outside, it isn’t quite silent. Listen, you can actually hear the ice crystals hitting each other as they hit the ground.

In the spring, while it is still slightly chilly outside, before the late afternoon sun warms the earth too much. Digging in the ground to work on my garden. Getting the dirt under my fingernails, knowing that I will have beautiful flowers to look at in just a few months.

In the summer, when the heat is so oppressive you can hardly seem to breathe, in the early pre-dawn hours, sitting on the porch just watching and listening. The sky turns from inky dark blue, to a dusty purple, then a bright orange sunrise. You start in almost near silence, but as the sky becomes lighter, you can hear all the birds and animals waking up, calling to each other in a simple greeting of hello.

In the fall, well almost any time. Fall is my FAVORITE SEASON EVER! I love that it can be warm during the day, but it cools down at night making for great sleeping weather. I also love the rain. I know this can be a trigger for some people, but I always love rain. Hearing its drum beat staccato on the roof as it falls to earth. The sharp report of thunder after the bolts of lightening that seem to light up the earth like the surface of the sun. The falling leaves, the slight chill in the air. The harvest. I love fall.

My puppy as he wiggles in excitement because I woke up, or because I come home. Knowing that someone missed me, even for that short amount of time. That’s pretty powerful.

And lastly, my husband walking up behind me and hugging me. Often for no reason at all. I love it!

So these are just some of the things that allow me to believe there is a chance for hope. Things beyond my control, that always seem to lift my spirits and calm me, no matter what.


So I met with my pain psychologist for the first time today. I went into this appointment not knowing what exactly it is that she does. I thought she would be trying to teach me to “deal” with the pain. I deal with the pain, everyday! I thought she would try to teach me breathing techniques to cope and get through it. That’s something I learned how to do a long time ago. So I really went into her office thinking this would most likely be a waste of my time, but I’m willing to try everything.

She is going to help teach me ways to deal with the pain, using guided imagery and all that. I’ve seen it help other people, so I’m going to really try it. If she had told me I need to imagine my “happy place” I was going to walk right out of there. I did tell her that when I’m having a migraine, the last thing I want to do is think. But it’s something you work on every day so that when you are in the moment of pain, it is there for you to use as a tool.

For me though, the big thing she said to me boils down to this; I have to throw my pride out the window. I come from a family that, no matter how bad something is, you PRETEND everything is perfect. I’m great at this! And I’ve been an athlete since I was a child, so it’s been beat into my mind to play through the pain and not show weakness. I need to learn to stop when I’m in pain. My pride be damned, I have to admit that I’m not Sheera or Super Woman. I have to ask for help when I hurt, or it’s too much. This is not something I’ve really ever done before.

I’ve watched many people in my family push through the pain. I’ve been told for so long to be strong and keep going, not to let anything get in my way. So, for me to stop because I hurt is going to take A SHIT TON of humility (something I’ve struggled with for years).

She told me when I’m out shopping, if I hurt, to sit and rest for how ever long and how often I have to. I told her, I don’t want people to look at me and judge. I look super young and healthy. You can’t see pain. She told me forget what people think. I told her I’m much better at pushing through the pain. She told me it makes the pain worse later. I said, “yeah I know. But at least I’ll be at home where no one can see.” Mind you, after one of my knee surgeries when I was in a locked straight knee brace and you could see the bulky dressings, I was in an amigo cart at a grocery store and I actually had someone come up to me and tell me that I should be ashamed of myself because the carts are for people that really need them because they have trouble getting around. I know my jaw dropped because I was with my sister and it was clear I was not able to get around well. Being as it was just a week after my surgery and I was still on high doses of pain meds I was rather nasty. The woman that said it was a super morbid obese woman. My snarky comment was to the effect of I was sure the extra walking wasn’t doing her any harm. Petty I know, but I do feel that way. And I’m a super fat person myself.

I want to be healthy and pain free. My physical health is taking a toll on my mental health. I feel useless when I can’t walk, or do everything around the house that needs to be done because of my pain. I have to show my weakness. I have to admit to everyone that I can’t do it all. I have to stop and ask for help.

I’ll let you know how it goes…