Oh, I’m sure!

Yup! My husband is going to love this! I told him I was going out to the living room to make some tea, take my heart meds and start a blog I’d been meaning to do since I got home…

It’s now almost an hour later, my tea is almost cold, and I’m back to farming on FB! But I did take my meds right away! I’m so awesome!


The ONE thing I never wanted to hear from a doctor…

…you need to go to the pain clinic. But we’ll get back to that!

I had to drive down to Ann Arbor today. I finally had my appointment at The University of Michigan Hospital with Neurology. This is after two stays there with Thorazine. The last time was a drip overnight. I was told that it’s really painful. I was finally asleep, so I don’t know!

Now, I lived in Ann Arbor for awhile. My ex, Jay,  did undergrad and med school at U of M. So I’m sort of familiar with the town, and WAY too familiar with the hospital! I used to stay right across the street about a block down the same road the hospital is on. Now, if you have never been to Ann Arbor, count yourself lucky! No, it’s not because first I’m a Notre Dame fan, and secondly I’m a Spartan (GO GREEN! GO WHITE! MICHIGAN STATE BABY!!!!), but it’s because the roads are TERRIBLE! The campus is all split up through out the town, and there are one way streets everywhere! And we are talking you can only go one way, the same way for like three streets! Now, I’ve gotten lost and turned around more times than I care to remember in Ann Arbor. I’ve even stopped at the police department to try to get to where I need to go. And when I get confused driving, I panic! Jay can tell you…full hysterics, freak out!

Today, I get into downtown, going down E. Huron St. You need to turn Left onto Fuller which runs perpendicular to Maiden Lane (Jay’s old town house)/Medical Center, (Fuller is where the road changes names) which is the road that goes around the hospital. Well, because of traffic and an accident, I couldn’t turn on Fuller, so I veered right on Huron (it actually changes names, but I don’t know it). The next light is Geddes Rd. I turned left down Geddes, because I knew somewhere it turns into Fuller (somehow). So I’m going down Geddes and it turns into full out super rich people residential (I think I passed the Governor’s house). I’m way out in the country by this point. But I didn’t panic! Well, Geddes has an “on ramp” for Huron Parkway. So I take it (you have to). I turn Right onto Huron Pkwy, still calm. Well, about a half mile down the road, there is a sign Fuller (left) Geddes Rd (right). I KNEW GEDDES TURNED INTO FULLER!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I turned left, went back through the country into town, and a few miles later…Medical Center/Maiden Lane! I DID IT!!!! Not one second of panic! Oh, Jay would be proud!

Well, I get into Neurology, get my vitals taken, wait a tad bit. Finally I get called back to a room. Now, at the U, the doctor you are seeing comes out and gets you. So I have the head of neurology. Cool! So we are talking, going over my history, he read my hospital notes. And he asks, “what is it that you want me to do for you?” My answer, “I want to not have headaches or migraines, or at least not as often nor as severe.”

Long story short, I’ve been on everything you can be on to prevent them. I even give myself shots at home of the same medicine you get in the ER when you go in with a migraine, to keep me out of the ER’s as much. So if I go in for a migraine, it’s bad! I’m on a couple of meds now to help with migraines, but they also help with my SVT.

And he utters the words, “You need to go to a pain clinic.” I know my face fell! He follows it up with, “I know you’ve come to this conclusion, you just needed to hear it from someone else.” He goes on to tell me that he could just start pulling drugs off the shelf and start putting me on them, but that we both know, it’s not going to work. I’ve been dealing with this since I was 16, almost 20 years now. He knows that 10 years ago the idea of going in and actually removing the calcified plate I have between the layers of my brain was thrown out there, but he agreed, it probably wouldn’t do much to help.

He actually made me very comfortable! He acknowledged the fact that I have the education and have held the licensure so that I know what I’m talking about. Not only as a patient, but as a practitioner. He told me that I’m “high strung, smart as hell, well educated, you know medicine cold, active to the point of being over active” and even said he’s pretty sure that the reason the neurologist from Michigan State University that I used to see that threatened me with “blindness” if I didn’t come back and see him and insisted on continuing my care with U of M neuro, was because I intimidated him with my brains! Oh yeah baby! Wouldn’t be the first time!

The whole reason I even went to U of M, is the first bad bad migraine I had, when MSU dropped the ball, I called Jay and asked him what to do because I was in so much pain I couldn’t even think straight! He was the one that told me to go to U of M! So thank you Jay! (I can’t call him Doctor…it makes me laugh!)

Well, the reason I need to go to the pain clinic is that they can do coordinated care for my migraines. And I need medical and non medical treatment. I will be seeing an anesthesiologist, I will be getting eastern and western medical treatments. So I need to call around and figure out which pain clinic I want to go to. And I’m hoping that this will wok. I have pretty good hopes for it!

Oh, the best part! I almost forgot! The doctor was doing a neuro exam, and I guess the first time they gave me the Thorazine I was singing, and they noted that I’m pretty good. He had me close my eyes, switch back and forth what foot I was standing on and sing whatever song was in my head. So I belted “Dreams” by The Cranberries. The staff was standing outside the door and they clapped when I was done! Oh I was laughing! I haven’t sung for an audience since I was asked to sing last winter for a group! It felt great!!!!!!!! I think I might go to karaoke this weekend for fun!

She said what?!?!

well, this morning I woke up a little before 3 am, having a hot flash. so I did my usual routine when this happens, go potty, splash cool water on my face, go to the kitchen and slowly drink a glass of cool water. I added grabbing my BlackBerry PlayBook from the charger to read for a few minutes, that usually helps me fall asleep faster. well, when I got back into bed, the glow from the screen, (really just the letters, black background and all) was bugging my husband. I know he’s tossing and turning and awake because every time he rolls over facing his edge of the bed he his his alarm clock to make it light up to see the time. so I decided to go out onto the living room couch, (why do people always specify “living room” couch, I mean would we really go lay on, oh say, a bathroom couch?) to read. I probably fell asleep within 10 minutes.

I woke up a few hours later when my husband got up to get ready for his (thank God!) last day at his job at 6 am. I had the weirdest dream that I was at my ex fiance’s two-story house with full finished basement hiding in the secret room because this girl (adult) and her mom were looking for me, yelling how I had to give them a current picture of myself in case they had to tell the police who I was. Then my ex comes into the room I’m hiding in to tell me the coast was clear and he says to me, “Arrrr! Thar ye be a good lass” in the style of Pirate, but with the voice of my first boyfriend that I went to prom with, lisp and all. and holding a bowl of half-cooked bacon, which he ate.

Normally I wouldn’t be bothered, but my husband said last week he was kissing me good-bye before he left for work and I swung at him, (not unusual for me with night terrors) and I yelled, “get down! I need to protect the onyx mine!” They say night terrors and very vivid dreams can be an indicator of a huge bipolar swing. I’ve had only one episode in two years, and it was the same week I had to sever all ties with my family, including calling the police in twice to force my parents to leave our property. It lasted two days and I don’t remember ANY of it! I guess I tried to take our dog and go live in our tent in the yard because I couldn’t “trust (my husband) anymore”. No precursor on that one! but yeah, I have good reason to worry!

Today, I found that nothing could really hold my attention, and I was so bored. The further into the day I got, the more hyper I got. Now I’ve been sick since I had a bone graft on my jaw this past June, with not many “good” days. Well, the last two days I’ve been feeling pretty good, besides the side effects of my increased beta blocker dose, which only lasts a few hours. Like I was making up silly songs singing to the dog. Mind you, I also have ADHD, so normal for my is hypomanic. I haven’t taken any ADHD meds in over a year, and I took one each day I had a final, cause EVERYTHING disracts me in a quiet room!

So, while I’m scared that I might become fully manic, I also like “(my) kind of crazy” as my Dr. Ex, M.D. refers to it. I’ve lived with my brain at that speed almost my entire life. But I’m not too worried. I’ve gone through it on drugs, so if I can stay aware of what’s going on, I should be fine. Except tonight, I’m bored as hell again, “blame it on my ADD!” *Sigh*

I think I’d rather be manic, cause at least then I would keep myself busy!


So last year my big Christmas present from my hubby was a Daschund puppy. I’ve always had big dogs, so I admit I wasn’t so thrilled about owning a weiner dog! Well, he really is such a cute little dog! Needless to say, I fell in love with him. He really has become my service dog. Because of him, even on my worst days I now get out of bed! In order to get his little ID card and vest saying he’s a service dog, most places require an expensive test, paying high prices for those known markers, and you have to retest every few years. Legally, I only have to provide a letter from one of my healthcare providers stating that I require a service animal, and as long as he behaves he can go anywhere with me!
Back in October when I was doing my time in the hospital, all I said to the nurses was that my husband would be bringing my dog up for a visit that evening and that he’s my service dog. He’s been to grocery stores, the pharmacy, nursing homes and such with me without incident. By the way, I am on full federal disability and I’m in the bottom 10th percentile below the federal poverty level. So I haven’t paid any money for some stupid card and vest anouncing that this otherwise healthy LOOKING gal needs a service dog. If people ask, I will tell them he is my S.D. and he’s working. And no, I have never paid anyone to train him, just us working with him.

Well, yesterday I had an episode with my SVT. I nearly passsed out while putting away dishes, but was able to sit down on the floor fast enough that I didn’t fall over and really hurt myself. Needless to say, when I called my doctors office about what was going on, they told me to come right in!

I was seen IMMEADIATLY by the head doctor, the P.A., the N.P. and about 3 nurses! EKG and some vital signs and DING DING DING DING! WE HAVE A WINNER FOLKS! Classic SVT! The doc decided that the dose of the beta blocker my regular doc put me on was a fairly small dose, so he instructed me to double it. Once in the am, once in the pm. He also instructed me to start aspirin therapy because the prolonged type of episodes I have can often lead to a blood clot.

I went back in this afternoon for a quick recheck, vitals were normal, I was feeling pretty normal for the day after, so I scheduled the next recheck for monday.

When I got home, I grabbed some food, and a glass of juice and sat at my computer to further explore this very new world of blogging. After some time I started to feel tired, but that’s no big deal for late afternoons for me. Next thing I know, everything goes black, and I couldn’t hear the tv anymore. I was roused by my dog licking my face, pawing at me and whinning. I felt very sick to my stomach. So off I went stumbling down the hall to bow to the porcelin god. Thank God for walls! I slumped every so gracefully before that alter and, well…you know. There was my dog right beside me. After a minute or two, I had to lay down because everything was starting to go black again. My dog was licking my face as I was fading in and out. Next thing I knew, he took off down the hall barking, but he came right back. He brought me the phone! Now he has never been trained for this, never done anything like this before. In fact, he usually barks like crazy when the phone rings, and he tries to hide it to make it go away! Well, I was able to call my husband for him to come right home (he only works a few miles down the highway). I was also able to call my best have her in the line untill my husband arrieved home. The whole time my dog would sit in the doorway of the bathroom, come lick me, sit in the doorway, run to the front door and bark when a car went past. My dog even curled up next to my head where I could pet him and give him tons of kisses. (he usually won’t come within my reach in the bathroom because he knows its where he gets bathed) When my husband came home, he ran out there barking and hearding him down the hall. No training for this at all!

So I have quite an amazing dog if you ask me! So why would I pay all that money these people want to scam from me so that other people can see what he’s able to do? I may be young, reckless, and Polish, but I’m not stupid! I want to see someone try to tell me my dog isn’t truely a service dog!

And in case you were wondering why I didn’t call 911 for an ambulance…the front and back doors were both locked. And the Christmas tree is actually too close to the door for them to be able to get everything inside with out taking out most of the tree (some of the ornaments can’t be replaced) not that if I were in serious danger of dying would I let that stop me from calling them! And they are unable to manuiver the stretcher inside my house by the back door. I would have had to walk outside. Besides, I had my best friend on the phone with me, remember? And I knew what caused it. So I felt pretty safe to chill for a minute on the bathroom floor talking to my amazing friend and cuddling and praising my wonder dog!

Words with friends (the name game)

One of my very awesome friends decided this morning she was going to start playing the name game staring Emilio Estevez.. She said, “what do you call Emilio Estevez if he saw this post? Emilio Imprestevez. After several more of these, I will admit my guilt in joining in on the fun. I came up with, “what do you call Emilio Estevez all dressed up for the Oscars? Emilio BestDressedevzez!”

I win!

Oh how low we have sunk with social media!

So what is this crazy woman doing?

This is my first (real) of hopefully many blog posts. I want to say right off the bat, thanks for stopping by and taking a look. Feel free to leave comments and such. I do want to set a few guidelines.  This site is MY blog. It is about the journey I am on, and my life and struggles with Mental Illness and other health issues that have made me disabled. Please respect that. Negative comments and bashing will NOT be tolerated. I do welcome open discussion and debates, though.

I ask that you refrain from mentioning very specific drugs, dosages  and or specific therapies, unless you are sharing your own experience. I.e. saying “I have had luck with a mood stabilizer taking it twice a day.” but not “I take Prozac, what do you take?” If it is a common drug, like an OTC, that is fine, like mentioning aspirin,  Tylenol or Motrin/ibuprofen, Robitussin for a cold. But please, unless you are a licensed physician, do not give medical advice for treatments.

That being said, I started off at 18 working in EMS. I continued on into Law Enforcement, and after some severe injuries ended up teaching at a large well-known medical school. I specifically taught patient care and chronic illness. But I will not recommend specific treatment advice as I am not treating you. I will be willing to answer general questions you may have about treatments and drug therapies, but really the information is quite readily available on these intertubes! I highly recommend www.medscape.com

I have some (possibly lofty) visions for my blog. I want to help stop the stigma of mental illness, at a minimum.  But I would really love to be able to help just one person on their own journey by sharing my life story. All I’ve ever wanted to do was to help other people. My illness has really side tracked my plans (you know the saying, you want to make God laugh, tell  him your plans).

So, who am I really? I am a 30 something Okie transplant in Michigan. I have not had the easiest or best life, nor have I had the worst life. Although some of the trials I’ve endured may make you cry, or feel for me, DO NOT PITY ME! That’s not what I’m out here for! I only share in the hopes that someone else who may have been or is going through something similar, may find strength.

I have survived cancer twice (6 years free). I have an auto immune disorder, nerve conduction pathway disorder, asthma, chronic migraines, endometriosis and poly cystic ovarian syndrome (just about non existent since my hysterectomy) , IBS, SVT, both high and low blood pressure, and the dreaded high cholesterol.  A history of anxiety, Bipolar (mostly mania). ADHD, borderline personality disorder, closed head injury, and please don’t get me started on all the normal injuries I’ve had!

I am also a survivor of domestic violence (both when I was 18 and again in my late 20’s, and I’m ashamed to admit it, after being a domestic violence investigator for a police department). I also have one failed suicide attempt. No one is still quite able to figure out how I’m still alive, and with almost no lasting issues.

So I invite you to join me on my road to recovery. And to also look back at just how far I’ve come! So welcome to my crazy little corner of the world, and please keep your hands and feet inside the ride while we are in motion!


The most dreaded thing seen on a website…

I know how irritated I feel when I am on a website and just about every page says “under construction” but there never seems to be any progress. So, with a heavy heart and my head hung in shame, I have an announcement. THIS SITE IS UNDER CONSTRUCTION!

I promise that I am working on setting up my page so it matches what I have pictured in my head. But first, I have to learn what the heck it is that I’m doing!

Now don’t everyone faint in shock on me here! Yes, I am in my 30’s, and yes I had a computer in my house growing up BEFORE internet! I’ve really only ever used the computer for work or school. I’m pretty savvy with Face Book  more than competent with web based email. I love Wikipedia and Goggling  not that I always have a reason to search, it’s more like my unending quest for knowledge. Just this past year I’ve gotten the hang of Twitter, and I even dabble on YouTube (although for the life of me, I have no clue what posses some people to post some of the videos!), I’ve only ever been on Craig’s List for a maximum of 5 hours, never been on Ebay  and I only know that you can buy arts and craft stuffs on Etsy.

With that being said, this last year I purchased something online for the first time, I joined Twitter, and I started this blog almost a year ago. Not that I posted anything (I honestly forgot about it). And, I’ve also only read two other peoples blogs. So really, I have no clue what I’m doing here!

Well, I’m off to learn how to make this page look like I want, you know since it’s mine and all!