She said what?!?!

well, this morning I woke up a little before 3 am, having a hot flash. so I did my usual routine when this happens, go potty, splash cool water on my face, go to the kitchen and slowly drink a glass of cool water. I added grabbing my BlackBerry PlayBook from the charger to read for a few minutes, that usually helps me fall asleep faster. well, when I got back into bed, the glow from the screen, (really just the letters, black background and all) was bugging my husband. I know he’s tossing and turning and awake because every time he rolls over facing his edge of the bed he his his alarm clock to make it light up to see the time. so I decided to go out onto the living room couch, (why do people always specify “living room” couch, I mean would we really go lay on, oh say, a bathroom couch?) to read. I probably fell asleep within 10 minutes.

I woke up a few hours later when my husband got up to get ready for his (thank God!) last day at his job at 6 am. I had the weirdest dream that I was at my ex fiance’s two-story house with full finished basement hiding in the secret room because this girl (adult) and her mom were looking for me, yelling how I had to give them a current picture of myself in case they had to tell the police who I was. Then my ex comes into the room I’m hiding in to tell me the coast was clear and he says to me, “Arrrr! Thar ye be a good lass” in the style of Pirate, but with the voice of my first boyfriend that I went to prom with, lisp and all. and holding a bowl of half-cooked bacon, which he ate.

Normally I wouldn’t be bothered, but my husband said last week he was kissing me good-bye before he left for work and I swung at him, (not unusual for me with night terrors) and I yelled, “get down! I need to protect the onyx mine!” They say night terrors and very vivid dreams can be an indicator of a huge bipolar swing. I’ve had only one episode in two years, and it was the same week I had to sever all ties with my family, including calling the police in twice to force my parents to leave our property. It lasted two days and I don’t remember ANY of it! I guess I tried to take our dog and go live in our tent in the yard because I couldn’t “trust (my husband) anymore”. No precursor on that one! but yeah, I have good reason to worry!

Today, I found that nothing could really hold my attention, and I was so bored. The further into the day I got, the more hyper I got. Now I’ve been sick since I had a bone graft on my jaw this past June, with not many “good” days. Well, the last two days I’ve been feeling pretty good, besides the side effects of my increased beta blocker dose, which only lasts a few hours. Like I was making up silly songs singing to the dog. Mind you, I also have ADHD, so normal for my is hypomanic. I haven’t taken any ADHD meds in over a year, and I took one each day I had a final, cause EVERYTHING disracts me in a quiet room!

So, while I’m scared that I might become fully manic, I also like “(my) kind of crazy” as my Dr. Ex, M.D. refers to it. I’ve lived with my brain at that speed almost my entire life. But I’m not too worried. I’ve gone through it on drugs, so if I can stay aware of what’s going on, I should be fine. Except tonight, I’m bored as hell again, “blame it on my ADD!” *Sigh*

I think I’d rather be manic, cause at least then I would keep myself busy!


I'm pretty tough...lay it on me!

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