Lonely Days, Lonely Nights

Yes, I’m in my 30’s and yes I willingly like The BeeGee’s.

Anywho! I still haven’t been to sleep since yesterday morning when I woke up at 7:15 AM. That was minutes over 24 hours ago.

My inability to sleep had nothing to do with hypo-mania, depression, or anxiety. It had to do with pain. Legit pain, not this bullshit fakie fibro pain. (And don’t you start jumping down my throat here! I know fibro pain is real pain! I just call it fakie pain because it isn’t from injury or anything. So therefore it’s fakie pain!)

And to think, my new dentist was telling me he was going to send me home with Motrin! Please! I eat that shit like Flintstones Vitamins! Or Twizzlers, or Whoppers….mmmmm yummy! Yeah, he was going to send a patient with fibromyalgia, who is under the care of three neurologists, one of whom is at pain management, home with Motrin after pulling out a tooth. Did I tell you guys about that?

If not, long story short; went in for fillings, he decided he was going to pull a tooth because it had a cyst next to the root that was trying to drain out a hole drilled in my jaw by my oral surgeon this past summer. He tried to just numb me right around the tooth. He started to push and pull on it to break it free, yeah I wasn’t numb, felt it all. So he did a nerve block. He came back and I told him only my cheek was numb, still had full feeling in my tongue and my back gums. He said I was more than numb, so he pushed pulled, tore the ligaments holding it in place, then pulled it out. I WASN’T NUMB AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!

I FELT EVERY PUSH, PULL, TWIST THAT HE DID TO THAT TOOTH!

The only part of me touching the chair was the back of my head, my hands, and my feet pushing up. I broke one of the arms on the dental chair. AND HE WAS STILL GOING TO SEND ME HOME WITH MOTRIN!

Thank God my hygienist wasn’t a complete idiot! She asked what my pain rescue protocol is. I informed her I only have a non narcotic plan for migraines at this point. She called my pain management doctor. They sent me home with a prescription for some serious heavy duty narcotics.

Well, I’m not really in pain pain, but I’m still very uncomfortable. And my GERD is being God awful as well. I can’t even lean back with out it making it feel like I have lava trying to come up my esophagus. So, I didn’t sleep.

I hope I can here shortly, because I’m exhausted! But first I have to run to the store and get some cans of cat food and set the live trap in the crawl space under my office/bedroom. I have a couple of cats in heat chilling under there!

Everyone have a safe and wonderful Thursday! Tomorrow is FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!

Spring is in the air!

So there are a few piles of snow still on the ground, mostly where the plows have pushed them. It is actually rather nice outside. I sat outside for a few minutes shortly after I woke up this morning. I would love to open a window or two, except they aren’t easy to access, and they tend to be difficult to open.

My husband texted me to ask how I was feeling today. I mistyped that I “feel like oj” to which he asked if I felt like killing people. Haha! I told him I felt more like a retired washed up pro football player! I’m not actually in pain pain, but that’s because most everything feels numb.

I feel still and my head feels annoyed (huge improvement over migraines!), and I feel stiff. My hands and feet feel like blocks of ice. Although I’ve had that most of my life. “Cold hands, warm heart” To which I’m sure my dog and husband would completely disagree and say I’m rather sadistic when I put my ice cold feet and hands on them in the middle of the night!

My big project I want to get done today…I want to get the ornaments off the Christmas tree. Yes, it’s still up. But I’m the only one that does more than the bare minimum around the house. So far, I’ve looked at it…that’s exhausting. Trying to figure out and plan the best, fastest and least physically draining way to get all the ornaments off. It took me three days to decorate the stupid thing. I wanted a nice Christmas, that turned in to Valentines Day, soon to be St. Patrick’s Day, and Easter….an Easter tree! I could swing it, most of the ornaments are religious anyways!

Well, I’m off to kill the barking dog (not really) although I wish I could just throw something at him so he would stop!

I HATE MONDAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Chance For Hope

Anyone that struggles with a daily battle against Mental Illness or Chronic Pain knows how easy it is to lose sight of the long run. Giving up hope is one of the easiest things you can do. You get stuck in your head with all the negativity. I will be the first one to admit, this happens a lot to me. Which is totally uncharacteristic of me.

I’ve gotten through so much hard stuff in life because I have had hope. So now, for me to lose sight of that hope, is a bitter pill to swallow. I’ve been taking some rather bitter pills lately.

But the other night, as I was laying in bed, I let my mind wander, as I so often do. And it hit me: I keep forgetting the little things! So these are some of my favorite things about stuff I don’t like.

During a heavy winter snowfall, in the middle of the night, curling up with a mug of tea and warm blankets. Just sitting in silence watching the heavy snowflakes blanket everything. And even thought it is the middle of the night, there still seems to be a glow from the snow. And IF I’m willing to brave the cold and go stand outside, it isn’t quite silent. Listen, you can actually hear the ice crystals hitting each other as they hit the ground.

In the spring, while it is still slightly chilly outside, before the late afternoon sun warms the earth too much. Digging in the ground to work on my garden. Getting the dirt under my fingernails, knowing that I will have beautiful flowers to look at in just a few months.

In the summer, when the heat is so oppressive you can hardly seem to breathe, in the early pre-dawn hours, sitting on the porch just watching and listening. The sky turns from inky dark blue, to a dusty purple, then a bright orange sunrise. You start in almost near silence, but as the sky becomes lighter, you can hear all the birds and animals waking up, calling to each other in a simple greeting of hello.

In the fall, well almost any time. Fall is my FAVORITE SEASON EVER! I love that it can be warm during the day, but it cools down at night making for great sleeping weather. I also love the rain. I know this can be a trigger for some people, but I always love rain. Hearing its drum beat staccato on the roof as it falls to earth. The sharp report of thunder after the bolts of lightening that seem to light up the earth like the surface of the sun. The falling leaves, the slight chill in the air. The harvest. I love fall.

My puppy as he wiggles in excitement because I woke up, or because I come home. Knowing that someone missed me, even for that short amount of time. That’s pretty powerful.

And lastly, my husband walking up behind me and hugging me. Often for no reason at all. I love it!

So these are just some of the things that allow me to believe there is a chance for hope. Things beyond my control, that always seem to lift my spirits and calm me, no matter what.

Pride

So I met with my pain psychologist for the first time today. I went into this appointment not knowing what exactly it is that she does. I thought she would be trying to teach me to “deal” with the pain. I deal with the pain, everyday! I thought she would try to teach me breathing techniques to cope and get through it. That’s something I learned how to do a long time ago. So I really went into her office thinking this would most likely be a waste of my time, but I’m willing to try everything.

She is going to help teach me ways to deal with the pain, using guided imagery and all that. I’ve seen it help other people, so I’m going to really try it. If she had told me I need to imagine my “happy place” I was going to walk right out of there. I did tell her that when I’m having a migraine, the last thing I want to do is think. But it’s something you work on every day so that when you are in the moment of pain, it is there for you to use as a tool.

For me though, the big thing she said to me boils down to this; I have to throw my pride out the window. I come from a family that, no matter how bad something is, you PRETEND everything is perfect. I’m great at this! And I’ve been an athlete since I was a child, so it’s been beat into my mind to play through the pain and not show weakness. I need to learn to stop when I’m in pain. My pride be damned, I have to admit that I’m not Sheera or Super Woman. I have to ask for help when I hurt, or it’s too much. This is not something I’ve really ever done before.

I’ve watched many people in my family push through the pain. I’ve been told for so long to be strong and keep going, not to let anything get in my way. So, for me to stop because I hurt is going to take A SHIT TON of humility (something I’ve struggled with for years).

She told me when I’m out shopping, if I hurt, to sit and rest for how ever long and how often I have to. I told her, I don’t want people to look at me and judge. I look super young and healthy. You can’t see pain. She told me forget what people think. I told her I’m much better at pushing through the pain. She told me it makes the pain worse later. I said, “yeah I know. But at least I’ll be at home where no one can see.” Mind you, after one of my knee surgeries when I was in a locked straight knee brace and you could see the bulky dressings, I was in an amigo cart at a grocery store and I actually had someone come up to me and tell me that I should be ashamed of myself because the carts are for people that really need them because they have trouble getting around. I know my jaw dropped because I was with my sister and it was clear I was not able to get around well. Being as it was just a week after my surgery and I was still on high doses of pain meds I was rather nasty. The woman that said it was a super morbid obese woman. My snarky comment was to the effect of I was sure the extra walking wasn’t doing her any harm. Petty I know, but I do feel that way. And I’m a super fat person myself.

I want to be healthy and pain free. My physical health is taking a toll on my mental health. I feel useless when I can’t walk, or do everything around the house that needs to be done because of my pain. I have to show my weakness. I have to admit to everyone that I can’t do it all. I have to stop and ask for help.

I’ll let you know how it goes…